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8 Hilarious Football Jokes

Last week's football jokes were so popular that we decided to put a few more together. Here are 8 jokes; some are old but all are pretty good. Enjoy!

Wife's dead

It's the FA Cup final, Liverpool versus Manchester United. Tickets sold out in five minutes, everyone is heading to Wembley. A man notices at half time that the fella in front has had an empty seat next to him the whole match, this is baffling considering how important this game is. So he asks him: "Ey mate, how come there's nobody sitting next to you?"

The man replies: "That was my wife's seat, we've been going the game together for 15 years now, but she sadly passed away recently"

"Oh I'm sorry for bringing it up, terrible news, but do you not have any friends or family you could have given the spare ticket to?"

"Well yeah, but they're all at her funeral"

At the City match

I was at the Man City match the other day and the lad sat next to me called me a c**t.
I would have hit him but I couldn't be bothered to walk half way round the stadium.

While at Liverpool

The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!

Scotland drew Faroe Island

After Scotland drew with Faroe Islands, a radio show was discussing that result with a caller:
Presenter: We have Jim on the line who wants to discuss Faroes vs Scotland.
Jim: Thanks... eh yeah. Just want to say it's an absolute disgrace. I mean we were playing the weakest side in world football and we can't do better then a draw.
Presenter: It was a poor result...
Jim: Poor result?? It's absolutely scandalous! The manager has lost the plot completely, he has to go. I know we have never set the world alight over the years on the international stage but I can't remember things being this bad. It's the end for us. The absolute end. We are the laughing stock of world football.
Presenter: Look Jim, I know it looks bad but there is still a long way to go, admittedly there does not seem much chance of you qualifying for 2004 but things will improve.
Jim: I never expected to qualify and don't mind that so much as we are not good enough... but to fail to beat a team like Scotland is a different matter and a real massive blow to everyone on the island.

Fiorentina's trophies 

Two thieves were seen last night in Fiorentina's trophy room. Police are asking for the public to be on the lookout for two men with a purple carpet.

Buying the refs

Three old football fans are in a church praying for their teams.
The first one asks, “Oh Lord when will Manchester City stop buying the refs?”
God Replies, “In the next five years.”
“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.
The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Manchester United stop buying the refs?”
The Good Lord – answers, “In the next ten years.”
“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.
The third one asks, “Oh Lord when will Barcelona stop buying the refs?”.
God answers, “I’ll be dead by then!”

Obsessed with football

My girlfriend just broke up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.
I’m a bit gutted about it; we’d been going out for 3 seasons.

The linesman

Today I had sex with the Uruguayan linesman's wife, and then proceeded to have sex with his daughter right in front of his face. As if this wasn't bad enough I stole his car and then burnt down his house as well as all his possesions. To finish off I wrote to FIFA and had him sacked from his job.
You may see this as my actions were pretty harsh and unfair but don't worry, he can't see when I've crossed the line


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